I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
