Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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