Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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