I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Randomize
