Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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