I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
