I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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