I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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