Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
In America we eat man semen.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
