You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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