i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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