Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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