I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
