so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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