I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
