I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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