i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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