Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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