...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
