He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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