I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
