He uses pillows to masturbate.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
