I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
