Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
