she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
