I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
