When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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