Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
