She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
