so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
