In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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