If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she told me i tasted like america
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
