took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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