wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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