thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
