Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
