i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
