Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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