I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Girls should come with a carfax report
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
