Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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