Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
