I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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