You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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