I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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