hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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