You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
