I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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