the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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