Got a toothbrush?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
