Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i think i just lost a toe
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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