Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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