apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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