I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
