at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
