She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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