I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Banned from zoo.
Again?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
