Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
