i think my tv is drunk
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
